How to take a shower (when your preschooler is home)

Taking a shower when your little kid is home is possible - it takes just 23 easy steps! #humor

1. Turn on water to let shower warm up.

2. Get child snuggled into your bed. Turn on Dora the Explorer.

3. Take off clothes. Smile testily when child points at your ravaged-by-two-c/sections belly and proclaims loudly, “EW!”

4. Get in shower.

5. Look at little person who has just poked her head in your shower to complain that she can’t hear Dora.

6. Get out of shower. Wrap yourself in towel. Turn up TV volume.

7. Slip on puddle on way back into shower. Land awkwardly on left hip. Drop f-bomb.

8. Get back in shower. Shampoo. Rinse.

9. Start to lather up body. Hear loud THUMP from other room. Jump out of shower. Wrap yourself in towel.

10. Find your bed empty.

11. Find preschooler in her big sister’s room, playing with her big sister’s forbidden Barbies.

12. Bribe preschooler back to your room to watch a special 1-hour Dora movie you DVRed. Let her bring the Barbies.

13. Get back in lukewarm shower, this time without slipping.

14. Forget if you already washed your body. Do it again.

15. As you are conditioning your hair, hear another THUMP, followed by laughter.

16. Jump out of shower. Rush into room to find preschooler has stacked pillows on floor and is jumping into them FROM YOUR BED.

17. Bring preschooler into bathroom with you. Give her a lollypop you found in your purse. Make her sit on toilet that is right next to shower.

18. Get into the now VERY COLD shower and rinse rest of conditioner out of hair.

19. Silently curse preschooler.

20. When out of shower, dried off, and dressed, remember you never found out what that first THUMP was.

21. Find your photo box of 1,000 photos that you just finished arranging and forgot to move off your nightstand, now on the floor next to your nightstand. With photos all over the floor.

22. Curse your preschooler out loud.

23. Decide you will never again shower with preschooler home. Ever.

******

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Comments

  1. says

    Ha! As I am reading, I am picturing my own shower today with my two and a half year old interrupting every five seconds and adding nasty commentary about her dislike of my unsightly areas. No spilled box of pictures though, I do believe that could send me straight over the edge! Hope you get a more peaceful shower tomorrow!

  2. says

    Do you know how many times I stand in the shower trying to remember if I already shampooed or not? Also. Whenever I try to take a shower in the morning with my 2yo at home, I always remember have way through that I didn't bolt the front door. She can open it herself and I imagine her leaving the apartment, getting the elevator and walking right out onto the streets of Manhattan- she's so short, the doorman would never see her from behind his desk. Then I run out mid-shower to bolt the door (usually slipping the process), passing my daughter who is totally content watching Dora on the couch.

  3. says

    Do you know how many times I stand in the shower trying to remember if I already shampooed or not? Also. Whenever I try to take a shower in the morning with my 2yo at home, I always remember have way through that I didn’t bolt the front door. She can open it herself and I imagine her leaving the apartment, getting the elevator and walking right out onto the streets of Manhattan- she’s so short, the doorman would never see her from behind his desk. Then I run out mid-shower to bolt the door (usually slipping the process), passing my daughter who is totally content watching Dora on the couch.

  4. says

    Oh, I know this one. Usually I wait until they are down for the night to shower, but sometimes I have to have one in the morning (like after my workout, making breakfast, getting the older ones off to school and cleaning up). My toddler will usually play happily on her own, or watch me through the open door. I don’t dare lock it when she is the only other one home. I make sure the front door and kitchen door are both locked and that anything I don’t want her touching is out of reach.
    Once in a while I have to shower during the day when all 3 kids are home so I follow the same procedure (but I do lock the door) and I tend to just ignore any screams and fights. They do it all day anyway so, unless it sounds serious, it can wait until I’m done.

  5. says

    Very funny! However, when I am having shower-time, which is nice, and hot and no children are in there, I ignore any THUMPS. Unless it is followed by hysterical crying. Is that bad?

  6. Mary Baum says

    None of it is bad. Well, maybe having a cop follow your kid home FROM ANOTHER TOWN and meet you in your living room to give him the ticket at midnight is kind of bad, but you guys are years away from that. ;-)

  7. says

    Hilarious. Also, I’m very impressed with your hygiene- you forget whether you’ve washed your body and so you wash it again? If I forgot whether I’d washed my body, I would definitely not bother washing it again. Maybe that’s why I’m better off socializing with people online where they can’t smell me. ;)

  8. says

    Sooooo true! I love reading all the comments too. Been there! I miss when I only had one baby who could be happily strapped into a bouncy chair right in the bathroom with me. (Even then I took lightning-fast showers and peeked out every other second the whole time.)

  9. says

    This is why I shower at midnight. Last time I did, my kids were beating the shit out of each other, and I it was all I could do not to beat the shit out of them in my deranged unclothed state. Very cool.

  10. says

    Ah, yes. The good times that accompany the mad dash to get through an entire shower without crying, whining or fighting. And that's just YOU! I have jumped out to break up fights with soap still in my hair, half shaved legs, soap in my eyes and conditioned hair on more occasions than I care to recall.

  11. says

    I have a three year old son. Sometimes when I try to take a shower before work, I will hear the door open. By the time I look out of the curtain to see who it is, he has stripped down to his diaper and is climbing in. And there was the awesome time he pointed at me and laughed and said, “Mommy! Yo penis look funny!!”

  12. says

    Too funny! Immediately shared at Science of Parenthood. For me, I’d sit my son outside the glass shower door with a toy synthesizer piano and let him bang away while listening to the synth-pop version of the Beatles’ Let It Be. At least I got clean.

  13. Wyndi McElroy Klement says

    I laughed so hard I almost started crying! No you should do one on how to fix dinner with a 1st grader, pre-schooler, toddler in easy steps and a box of popcicles!

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